IN AMERICA, WHY GRIEF IS A JOURNEY OF ISOLATION

 

In America, Why is Grief a Journey of Isolation?

… four ways to help you cope with loss and how friends and family can help

By Tom Richards

 

               Just over three years ago Joanna (not her real name), a friend of mine then working for a company in Chicago, learned that her thirty-year-old daughter, her only child, had committed suicide. Consumed with grief, she was given one week off by management. Joanna knew it would take much more time to even start coping with the grief she felt. When she came back to work, she tried to carry out assigned tasks but failed. Two weeks later, completely dissatisfied with her performance, management fired her. She was found by work colleagues crying inconsolably in a restroom, not about the loss of her job but about her daughter’s death. Embarrassed by her grief and feeling that they couldn’t help, her friends left the room. Unfortunately, Joanna is not the only person to experience grief in isolation, as the American Psychiatric Association has confirmed.

That Government organization has added Prolonged Grief Disorder to its list of mental health disorders. Some symptoms include: feeling that part of oneself has died, disbelief that the person is dead, intense emotional pain (bitterness, anger, sorrow), difficulties engaging with friends, feeling that life is meaningless, and intense loneliness, isolation and detachment from friends. (Extracted from Prolonged Grief Disorder, psychiatry.org.)

In a recent interview she gave me at her home, Joanna agreed with the study. “I isolated myself and for months I wouldn’t go out of the house because I didn’t want to face anyone. I had food delivered. I stopped going anywhere. My old employer made me go back to work before I was ready. I simply couldn’t do it.” She started to cry. “I cry all the time even though it’s been years since my daughter died. Many people don’t understand that.”

            Like many facing grief, Joanna experienced extreme loneliness. Divorced for over ten years, she tried to talk to friends and neighbors. She discovered they were unable to understand her profound sadness because they had never experienced it. Instead, they told her that in a few months, she’d get ‘back to normal’.

“One friend kept saying, ‘What is wrong with you? You’re acting crazy! What happens if the bank forecloses on your home? Get back to normal and find another job or you’ll lose everything!’ How can I ever be normal again? When I lost my daughter, I lost everything,” Joanna said, banging on the table. “Our society doesn’t give a damn about me or most people suffering from the loss of a loved one. Most ignore us. Most want us to grieve in isolation. But grieving is normal.”

            Grief is all around us. In 2023, the CDC (Center for Disease Control) calculates that 3,090,582 people died. Think about that statistic. It’s like an asteroid striking the Atlantic. The subsequent tidal wave can impact, or destroy, the lives of perhaps as many as 50 persons per death (family members, friends, close acquaintances, work colleagues – the list goes on an on). Each person experiences a level of grief that depends on how close they were to the person who died. Those at the front of the list are so consumed with grief that their behavior can be interpreted as ‘crazy’.

            I should know. I’ve been there and earned the T-Shirt. Like Joanne, I’ve been through too much grief over the past three years. I should explain that I have dual nationality. Born in Chicago, I went to work for a company in Ireland. I ended up staying there for over forty-three years. I returned to the country of my birth a few months ago. Over the past three years, and even now, I grieve just as Joanna did and still does. I didn’t lose a child but I lost many that I loved.

My partner, Carmel, was diagnosed with Dementia three years ago. Now in Assisted Care, she no longer recognizes me despite the fact that we lived together for over fourteen years. In many ways, I must consider this loving woman ‘dead’, or so my therapist advised me to do for my own sake. My father, Bill, died at the age of ninety-two, in part due to Dementia. I keep thinking that he’ll phone me each morning as he always did. My best friend, Liam, died a few years ago from Covid. Like Dad, Liam and I would talk to each other every day. I depended on these men and Carmel. Now, they’re gone. Other than one or two close friends, I had absolutely no one to talk to. No one with which to share my sadness and hurt which continues to this day. Like Joanna, I often grieve in silent isolation.

            Now that I’ve come back home, I often ask myself (just like Joanna does): Why does it have to be this way? Why can’t people realize that I will never be ‘normal’ again (whatever normal means)? I still hate it when someone says to me: “You really are crazy! Carmel can’t remember you. She’s gone from your life so start a new one.” My answer? It’s not that easy.

The Stigma of Grief and Why Closure May Be Impossible

            Studies show that people deal with grief in their own way, in their own time. Most develop a ‘basket’ of coping skills. Some of these skills are easy to learn. Many are not. In America, there is still a ‘stigma’ attached to death. For that reason, most choose to ignore it and get on with living. Because many can’t deal with death, healthy grieving can also be impossible. It’s a horrible circle. Death leads to grief. Then some people can’t help those that are grieving and leave them alone. Those grieving grieve in isolation. Around and around it goes and it will never stop until we accept a simple fact of nature: death and grief are a part of living. As another friend of mine told me: “For every life we owe one death.”

‘Closure’ is also something that is very important to those who have lost a loved one. But sometimes, it is impossible to obtain closure. For instance, in Ireland I have many friends, often women who were the wives of fishing boat captains, who will never know Closure. When storms come up on the Atlantic, they all brace themselves for possible tragedy. Sometimes, the cruel sea can flatten their family’s dreams. Boats are capsized all the time off the coasts of Ireland (and many other coasts). Whole crews are lost. Their bodies are often never found. An Irish friend of mine, Grace, told me that she will never get over the loss of her husband. “When they called off the search, we had no body to bury and no real funeral for my husband. We used an empty coffin. We buried that coffin but I rarely go to our cemetery because Jack is not there. This means that closure for me will never happen. My husband is still alive somehow, talking to me all the time. People say I’m crazy to think that the man is still alive but to me he is. If people think I’m crazy then so be it.”

Four Ways to Cope and Help

            American society needs to change if we want to help. Here are four ways to help friends that are grieving, and those grieving to help themselves:

            One: LISTEN AND UNDERSTAND.

Yes, you may grow bored listening to your friend talk every day about the loved one they’ve lost. Every day, they could talk about what their loved wore the last time they saw the alive. Or their favorite meal, film or TV program. Or what they should have said or done but didn’t do. You may think that you can never help or that they’re beyond help. But that’s not true. Talking is the key to healing. “Talk your socks off about your loved one,” a grief counsellor told me. “Talk to anyone who will listen. And tell them that when it’s their turn to experience grief, you’ll be right there for them.” Listening is simple and helps people to heal. If you listen closely enough, you’ll learn more about your friend, and when you lose someone you love, you’ll have a much better way of coping. When that happens – not if, but when – you’ll understand you must talk to someone to start the process of healing. (An alternative: if you’ve lost a loved one and can’t talk to anyone, keep a journal. Write down how you’re feeling as if you were talking to a close friend or the person who has passed away, and write as often as you can. It’s not the same as talking to someone but this simple action has been proven to help.)

            Two: CRY WHEN YOU NEED TO. DON’T LET PEOPLE STOP YOU.

I’m a male. In most societies, males (unlike women) are not supposed to cry or show emotion. Instead, we’re supposed to be the ‘hunters-gatherers’ which comes from our ancient ancestors. But this is the 21^st Century. If you think men don’t cry, I have news for you: I know many men who, just like me and many women, cry. For over a year, I couldn’t cry because I didn’t give myself permission. Now, I cry all the time. Not every day but most days. I cry because the grief of loss still hurts. I’ve finally learned that crying stops when it’s ready to stop. If you see someone crying, don’t stop them. Don’t even touch them, so my therapist advised me. Let them cry and if they reach out to you, they’re asking you to make physical contact like holding their hand. Only then should you touch them.

Crying is a healthy, proven way of healing. A way of showing yourself and those around you just how much you love and miss the loved one you’ve lost. As Joanna says, “Someday I’ll stop crying but not now. Not until I’m ready. I have that right.”

            Three: DON’T LET OTHERS SAY YOU’RE CRAZY. YOU’RE NOT.

When I lost Carm to Dementia, I literally went crazy due to the depth of my grief. On top of that horrendous loss, a year after Carm went into hospital for that illness, I had an almost fatal heart attack due to the stress of losing her. Right after that, I caught Covid three times. Due to the physical and mental symptoms of what happened to me, my friends thought that I was crazy. Not only did I cry all the time, but due to the above illnesses, I had trouble standing up from a chair. I was dizzy almost all the time. I often staggered and slurred my words. I could forget people’s names, even those I’ve known for years. I became angry for what seemed like no reason (I had to tell my friends that I wasn’t angry at them. I was, and still am, angry at Dementia and other terrible illnesses that have literally stripped my loved ones’ lives from me.). But many people thought that I was insane, drunk or on drugs, and that I would harm myself or others. Which was never true and still isn’t.

If you’re suffering from grief that is so unbearable that your friends and loved ones think you’re crazy, perhaps tell them like I did, ‘Grief will make you seem crazy if you’re going through what I am.” They might even listen and learn something. Or not. Remember, it’s your grief. My grief. Joanna’s grief. When Dad lost my mother, it was his grief. We each handle it in a very individual way. A way that people may never understand. But if we’re on a path that heals us; if we’re more satisfied with our lives because we’re starting to feel at peace, then that’s all that matters. If we’re not hurting ourselves or others*, then keep doing what you’re doing.

Four: GET PROFESSIONAL HELP AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

As a human being who has suffered the dysfunction of grief – and yes, I was dysfunctional – it took me months to realize that I needed professional help. When I did, I started to understand that I was NOT responsible for Carmel’s Dementia. I was NOT responsible for my father’s or Liam’s death. I AM responsible for my own healing. I AM responsible for taking care of myself.

This last point has taken too long to learn. A friend of mine told me over two years ago, “Learn to take care of yourself first so you can heal. Then and only then can you take care of others. Like Carmel.” I finally discovered that this strong advice is true. For months after Carmel went into hospital, I refused to talk to anyone. I isolated myself in our empty home. I wouldn’t or couldn’t eat. I had trouble sleeping. I was so messed up in mind, body and soul that I almost committed suicide. Fortunately, I chose a different path; a future of possible happiness. That long journey started with a single phone call I made. I talked to the Good Samaritans of Ireland for well over an hour. They advised me to seek face-to-face therapy. Which I did. For the past two years or more, I’ve seen a number of therapists, psychologists and grief counsellors. The latest is a local grief counselling group. The group helps me cope with the extensive baggage I still carry and the emotional scars that I can feel every day. I’m no longer isolated in my grief. Instead, I talk and listen to like-minded people. I know that the scar of heartbreak is still on my heart. It will be there forever. Just as it will be on the heart of anyone who has lost a loved one.

People die of heartbreak every day. For example: if a husband loses his wife to cancer (remember: grief pays no attention to sexual persuasion, income, skin color or religion) they can die. Perhaps by their own hand. Or from a heart attack. Or because they simply cannot think of living without their loving spouse. Grief can kill and that has also been proven by professionals.

FINALLY: EMPLOYERS MUST GIVE THOSE GRIEVING MUCH MORE TIME OFF.

This is a very separate point but one that needs to be written. In many countries across the world, employers give people experiencing grief weeks off with pay. If those grieving need more time off, they’ll take a leave of absence. Often, their government will pay them Social Benefits that, while not paying the amount of what they earned when working, will allow them to pay for essentials often including the price of a monthly mortgage payment. Depending on the country, employees have months before they must come back to work full time. Often, they’ll work part-time at their office or remotely from their home. If too much time elapses, then their employer has the right to fire them.

Grief: A Way of Honoring Those Who Died in a Very Healthy Way

Grief is an honest way of honoring the life of a loved one and the relationship that we still have with them. It is a natural way of recovering from great loss. American society and many across the world must change if we are going to grieve together, not in isolation. Perhaps we could start to use some ‘old fashioned’ ways of celebrating the lives of those who have died. Like having the coffin of our loved one repose in our living room prior to burial, letting neighbors and friends visit. Or like a wake in Ireland (which still happens) where we celebrate our loved ones’ lives for not a single day but a number of days. We toast them with a glass of beer, whiskey or a soft drink. We ‘dance’ to the memory of their life with a positive attitude to both their life and death. I have come to believe that death is not an end and that for some of us grief will never end. As my Jewish friends say, “L’chaim! To life!” I’ve finally learned that a positive mental outlook is the only way to truly heal, live a new life of peace, and honor those who are no longer with us.  

* The writer of this article is not a trained psychiatrist, doctor or specialist. For that reason, he urges the following: If you are experiencing grief due to the death of a loved one or if you know someone who is, have them contact a professional if they need help. Google Grief helpline or ‘Grief Groups near me’ for contact information and locations.
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Tom Richards is a best-selling novelist and screenwriter. Many of his novels explore the profound impact that Grief and the loss of loved ones can have on a person’s life. He has also written articles for US newspapers and magazines as well as many Irish publications. For more information, go to www.storylinesent.com